In Between

I’m sitting here all sweaty from a grueling workout my mind racing from thought to thought and finding myself a little depressed. I just finished reading blogs of friend and acquaintances and somehow drawn into their moods. Every once in awhile I battle with this feeling of “in between”. I do not feel happy nor sad just somewhere in the middle of the borderline of emotions. A place where there is no reaction just existence. It’s a matter of the heart which I know is troubling me. I feel some times that everyone I would dare to love is somehow out of reach or does not know I even exist. I sit as a shadow in the background of blackness not to be seen. When the light finally shines and I am reveal for what I am I disappear only to be consume by the shadows of my pass. I find as my life slowing begins to come together I still lack something. I pretend, date, flirt and do a little nasty here and there but I know what I yearn for is to fall in love with someone or something. I was about to get a pet a few weeks back just so have something that I could love totally but thought about the shit and was put off.

I remember a few years back when was 100 pounds, a skinny young man with a pretty smile and all I wanted to do was gain some weight. I thought if am bigger, more muscular someone will take the time to look at and love me. So I dedicated myself to working out 5 to 6 times a week I pushed myself to the edge of collapses many days throwing up in the gym’s bathroom. I did all this to be accepted more over to be something that someone desired. Now 70+ pounds later I still find myself trying to improve my outward now its more vanity but it still has something to do with trying to be a complete man. I man who is desired for both body and soul. Years later I still find myself trying to compete with myself and its wearing me down.

Sometimes I feel as if I do not deserve love its like I am being punished for some ancient wrong I’ve done. In my circle of friends there are a few people I find myself so attracted to but I know I want something deeper with one of them but I too afraid to ask. The fear of rejection hunts me. Deep inside all I truly yearn for is to have someone which whom to cuddle with, someone who challenges me to think and provokes me to debates where no one wins. Someone to look at and say, “Damn all that is mine”. I want someone whom I can give myself too not holding back no boundaries that are off limits. Its my desire to have someone give themselves to me totally and I them. But today I find myself “ in between”.